It's Always Hardest Tonight
by Tragic Ophelia
Summary: Ryan holds onto the past too long... Whatever can happen? (Ryan/Gillian)


Author: Ally

E-mail: Insanechica14@aol.com

Tonight... It's always hardest tonight. Tonight is the night where the demons of my past come back full-fledged. Yeah, they're always there, but tonight... This is when everything ended, when everything changed. Tonight is when I don't sleep, when Alex and Dimitri, far away in Hungary, don't sleep and face what I do. Except they can leave it for today, and only today... I can't, though. Something is always there, staring me in the face.

I stood at the window, just like I did every time this rolled around. The lights outside were so bright, and they seemed to cover up all the past. The lights of Wildwind, SOS, and several other establishments lit up the sky of Pine Valley. I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned around.

"Ryan, come to bed... Please," Kendall, my wife, pleaded to me. 

"Not now, Kendall... I'll come to bed soon," I said.

"Promise?"

"I promise," I said. After five years of marriage, and two years before that, I still hadn't told her about... Well, _her._ That was one thing in my past that would stay in the past... Except for tonight. I watched as Kendall went back up the stairs, to our bedroom. It was weird that _she _wasn't the one going up there. Even after all these years, I could still picture everything about her. Nothing had faded from my memory.

I walked over to the foyer closet and slipped on a jacket, and picked up my keys from the silver bowl on the table next to the door. I quickly walked out, giving one glance back to our townhouse, and saw no light son, meaning Kendall was probably asleep again. I quickly walked down the streets, and ended up at the gates of Wildwind. Giving my name to the guard, I was let in and walked slowly to an area that was completely different from the rest of the grounds. This place was... Bright, happy, and had only bad memories.

I sat down on the ground, and fingered the marble headstone. "God, Gilli... It's been so long. I miss you so much. After all these years, I can still see the life we had... The life we wanted. And that's still what I want. Sometimes, I lie awake at night, scared to fall asleep and dream of you. Kendall always wants to know what's keeping me awake... And I can't tell her. I... I love you, Gillian," I said, wiping away the tears that had fallen.

"Ryan?" I turned around, and Bianca Chandler was standing there, holding a bouquet of flowers. 

"Hey, Bianca... What're you doing here so late?" I asked, turning my head away from her. 

"I could ask you the same thing," she said, sitting down next to me.

"I can't... I can't forget about her. It's always tonight..."

"I see. I'm sorry for bothering you. I'll just go," Bianca said, standing up. 

"Stay, please," I said, reaching up and taking her wrist. 

"Okay," she said, sitting back down.

"I can't tell Kendall. She'll think she was second... And in a way she was. When she asks me about Gillian, from the pictures I still have... I can only think of how it's not fair to her. How I can't seem to leave my life with Princess alone. I need her, Bianca," I whispered, the tears falling again. I felt her arms wrap around me, and the tears started to come faster.

"It's okay, Ryan... It's okay. You love Gillian, and you can't forget her. Just... Don't live in the past, okay?" Bianca soothed, rubbing her hands across my back. Several minutes passed before I pulled away.

"Thanks, Bianca..."

"No problem. What are friends for?" she asked, standing up. "I better go... JR is probably expecting me to be home soon." 

"I'll see you sometime," I said, turning my attention back to the headstone.

"Don't forget to live, Ryan," Bianca said before turning and walking away.

"This isn't goodbye, Gillian... I'll still love you and dream of you..." I said, standing up and brushing a kiss on the grave. The rain started pouring, and I ran for the gates, ready to walk back home to my new life... But tonight I would remember. Tonight, and the rest of my life... But for tonight, I would mourn. And each year on this date. It's always hardest tonight.


End file.
